You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

I hate birthdays.

How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?

A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to remember it once.

I'm not materialistic. I believe in presents from the heart, like a drawing that a child does.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

The way I see it, you should live everyday like its your birthday.