My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Handmade presents are scary because they reveal that you have too much free time.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

We'll take the cake with the red cherry on top.

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to remember it once.

A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

I do like to shock and surprise people. When it's all in good fun, of course.